


:33 < can you hear me? im screaming for you

by gingerbread man (xphantomhive)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Parallels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-23
Updated: 2015-07-23
Packaged: 2018-04-10 20:54:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4407326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xphantomhive/pseuds/gingerbread%20man
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If there is an afterlife, dear, I promise I will see you there.</p><p>Please wait for me.</p>
            </blockquote>





	:33 < can you hear me? im screaming for you

**Author's Note:**

> One of the three prompts given to me by user VocaloidSWEETIE!
> 
> I hope ya' like it, I did my best.
> 
> Also, the title is a lyric from "White Noise" by PVRIS.
> 
> Dammit I love PVRIS.

 

There aren’t many who listen to his sermons.

The crowd of listeners grows day by day, that much is true, but there are still many citizens of Alternia who choose to disregard him. Maybe it’s the way he speaks, in a low croon, rather than a loud shout. Or maybe it’s the things he says, about the hemospectrum being _wrong_ , about discriminating against blood color being _wrong_. Or maybe, it’s his blood color.

If he were a highblood, would more people listen?

You take notes on the things he preaches. Not on paper, but in your head. You manufacture a vault in your memories where you tuck the things he says, how all of you are equals, how blood color does not define who you are. How a jade blood could easily love a candy red blood like her own. His eyes flickered to someone in the horde when he’d said that, but you couldn’t see who.

The multitude of auditors deteriorates, but it only takes days for the audience to be re-built. It feels like sweeps to you.

There are only two others who attend his sermons religiously. You set aside your shy nature and introduce yourself to them, but you still fidget and bounce from foot to foot nervously when you tell them you are called, “The Disciple.”

The one in the green, a woman, smiles. It’s gentle and calm, that of a caretaker. “I am The Dolorosa,” She says, her voice soft, much like Signless’s own. “And this is The Psiioniic. A pleasure to meet you, Disciple.”

Dolorosa tells you she found Signless as a grub, and because of his blood color, no lusus would claim him. Your chest tightens with pity, but the feeling only remains for a short time before it dissipates. She tells you Psiioniic and Signless have always gotten along well, and when you ask if they’re in any quadrants together, she tells you no.

And the three of you become his most devout followers.

* * *

There aren’t many people who sit through his rants.

Even Terezi, his matesprit (it’s so wrong it’s so wrong that should be you not her) refuses to listen when he flies off of the handle about something that matters to him. But you, on the other hand, always listen. No matter what it is he’s talking about. Even when he messages you about Terezi, long-winded speeches on how beautiful she is, how much he cares for her, you listen. You always listen. Always, always, always.

You find out his blood color through Terezi. She tells you it was only a slipup, she never meant to tell anyone, she doesn’t know why she did, she could’ve told _anyone_ but you, the catgirl who’s red for him and everyone can see _but_ him-

AC: :33 < he wont find out terezi, please calm down

GC: BUT YOUR3 T3LL1NG, R1GHT?

GC: 1F 1 LOV3D SOM3ON3 L1K3 YOU LOV3 H1M

GC: 1D DO 4NYTH1NG TO BR34K TH3M 4P4RT

AG: :33 < yeah, well…

AG: :33 <  im not you

You cry yourself to sleep, curled in a ball. Why hadn’t he told you? What did he think you would do with the knowledge? You live in a cave, you live in a cave and you’re _alone_ , you don’t have anyone to tell. You wouldn’t even tell your moirail! You’re so desperately red for Karkat it _hurts_ , why won’t he love you back? Why, why, why? Why is Terezi so much better than you?

CT: D --> Nepeta, are you ok?

AG: :33 < purrfectly fine equius!

Your heart is breaking to pieces.

* * *

Dolorosa introduces you to Signless.

It’s a big day for you, really. You’ve wanted to talk to him since the beginning, but you never could work up the courage to do so. Dolorosa urged you into it, told you it would be fine, told you _she_ was the one who raised Signless and she _knows_ him. You can’t stop squirming for the entirety of the sermon that day, and only when Dolorosa lays a tender hand on your shoulder do you stop.

“Signless,” Dolorosa says softly, smiling. “This is The Disciple.”

He’s much taller than you. By a few inches, at least. There are gray robes draped over his broad shoulders, and a few black hairs peek out from under his hood. There is a quiet moment of examining from both of your sides, before his eyes (they’re almost glowing) soften slightly. “I am The Signless. Delighted to meet you, Disciple.”

You want to say something back, something that isn’t idiotic, but the words die on your tongue. There is nothing. You’ve listened to him preach for sweeps, you admire him more than you’ve ever admired anyone else, but now that you stand before him you haven’t a word to say.

(Are you red for him?)

Dolorosa nudges you with her shoulder, and you snap back to reality. “Yes! I, um, feel the same. You’re a big inspiration of mine!” You gush. You nibble your lower lip and angle your gaze to the ground, embarrassed that you’ve made a fool of yourself. Your cheeks must be olive green. He probably hates you.

“I know you’ve attended my sermons since the beginning. Thank you.”

Oh.

_Oh._

“Thank you for preaching! You’ve got such a way with words.”

You look up again, and he smiles.

* * *

You don’t meet Karkat in person until the start of SGrub.

Of course, you aren’t the first person he greets. Nor are you the last, but your chest still aches at the thought. He first goes to Terezi, then Gamzee, then Sollux, then everyone else but Equius and Vriska, before you. “I guess you must be Nepeta,” He says. His voice is cold, oh so cold. You wonder briefly if he hates you. “I’m Karkat Vantas.”

“Yeah, it’s. I’m Nepeta. Leijon. Nice to meet you.” You spit out awkwardly, extending a hand toward him for a shake. He only stares at it for a moment. Your shoulders are tense, your hand is tense, why won’t he just give you a handshake? He gave Terezi a hug and a kiss, why, why can’t you just have this one thing? You understand that he doesn’t love you, he doesn’t even like you, but _why_ can’t he just offer you some hospitality?

 _Why_ is that too much to ask?

Equius touches your shoulder softly.

You tear your hand back. “I’m going to go talk to Aradia.”

And you abscond.

* * *

You are red for Signless.

You are black for Signless.

You are pale for Signless.

You are in _human_ love with Signless.

He doesn’t know, of course. You haven’t worked up the courage to tell him yet, you haven’t worked up the courage to tell anyone yet. Dolorosa has noticed how you’ve been off lately, that you move with less purpose, that you don’t try to smile. You aren’t sad, per se. You don’t feel sad, at least. You are hopeless. You don’t stop attending his sermons, though. Never would you do something so irrational.

Psiioniic pulls you aside one day. Odd, you’d really thought Dolorosa would be the one to do this. He must have beaten her to it. “What is going on with you?”

You try to look innocent when you say, “What do you mean?”

He gives you a look that says _you know what I mean_ and you finally break. You are crushed beneath the weight of your feelings. The air drains from your lungs and you feel like you’re drowning, drowning, in a sea of olive green. “Holy-” Psiioniic doesn’t look like he knows what to do, and you’re sure he’s going to get Dolorosa, but instead he ducks to the ground and pulls you into a hug.

It’s a strange feeling.

You aren’t used to affection. You welcome it with open arms, but you’ve never engaged in anything more than an awkward handshake or two. Dolorosa touches your shoulder gingerly sometimes, pets your hair, but never have you hugged. “What is it? You can tell me.” Psiioniic mumbles into your hair, and you breathe. This is okay. He’s okay. You’re okay. You can trust Psii, he’s never given you a reason not to.

“I’m in human love with Signless.”

“Oh?” Psii mutters it against your hair, and his breath tickles your scalp. “How would you know that?”

“I’m red for him. And black for him. And pale for him.”

“Do you pity him?”

“No, which is the strangest part. Sometimes I do, but it isn’t constant pity. It’s only pity when I think he deserves it, but when he doesn’t, I don’t. I found some ancient manuscripts on human love, and this, this is what it feels like. A feeling that starts in my chest and spreads through my whole body, this weird warm feeling. I hate it.”

Psii laughs.

* * *

“I hate to poke around in your business,” Equius says one day, while you’re sitting on a ledge that overlooks your land. You love it here. It’s calm and beautiful, and there’s no one to disturb you. You can almost forget about Karkat, about how he doesn’t love you back, how he never will. “But, are you red for short, shouty Karkat?”

You don’t answer right away. You aren’t sure how. Equius is the last person you’d want to know about your feelings for Karkat, because he can’t stand Karkat. Not that he isn’t the only one, but he just seems to have this undying, completely platonic, hate for the shouty loud-mouthed troll. But, Equius is your moirail. You hate keeping things from him, and you hate lying to him even more. So, after a few passing minutes that feel like sweeps, you whisper, “Yes. But not just red. I think I-I’m...in human love with him?”

Equius hugs you.

It isn’t really what you’d been expecting. You’d thought he’d yell at you, tell you how Karkat is an awful person, how he’s not good for you. That if he felt the same, and you two became a “thing,” he would treat you wrong. But instead, you get Equius hugging you, gently as he can. It still hurts, but you accept it anyway, and cry into his shoulder.

“Why won’t he love me, Equius? What does Terezi have that I don’t?”

Equius tenses under your hold. He knows this feeling, you remember. He had been painfully red for Aradia, but Aradia never felt the same. If anyone is to understand how you feel, it is him. “Nothing, Nep. Karkat is just a moron.”

You laugh through your tears.

* * *

“So, you’re in human love with me?”

You almost spit out your drink.

Signless is standing behind you, tampering with his robes. You cough to clear your throat and set the drink aside, making sure that it’s out of reach so you aren’t tempted to drink it. Whatever is about to happen may result in you spitting it everywhere, and the last person you’d want to spit all over is Signless. “Depends.” You respond, shrugging. That was a smooth response on your part, and you don’t think you’ll be able to do it ever again, so you can only hope he feels the same.

“I think I might feel the same,” He responds. You breathe out. “I know I feel the same.”

He extends a hand towards you, and you grab it hesitantly. Then he’s leading you through a clot of twisted hallways, but you don’t ask where exactly it is he’s taking you. Knowing him, he probably wouldn’t tell you.

You end up on the roof.

The stars in the sky glow bright. They light up the entire rooftop, which you find beautiful, but you also wish it were pitch black. Your face is burning, olive green flooding to your cheeks. “I-” You breathe evenly. Alright, Disciple. You can do this. “It’s beautiful. Really. Really, really beautiful. Thank you, Signless.”

“It was all worth it to see that blush of yours,” He jabs, nudging you with his arm. You want to laugh, but you stifle your giggles and pout instead. “Aw, don’t be mad. I think it’s cute. Olive green looks good on you.”

Now, you snicker.

You turn to look at him, and before you can manage to say anything, his lips are on yours. You don’t respond to the kiss, mainly because it caught you off guard and you’ve never done anything like this before. It takes you an entire minute, standing with your eyes wide open, before you finally realize that you should kiss him back.

And you do.

* * *

Everything changes when Terezi starts communicating with the human, Dave.

Karkat stops talking to her. He doesn’t cut off every tie they have, but he doesn’t spend nearly as much time with her as he used to. In fact, he draws away from most everyone around that time. You try and work up the courage to ask him what’s wrong, to see if maybe you’ll be able to get something out of him, but whenever you think you finally have you back out at the last minute.

It’s pitiful.

CG: MEET ME ON THE ROOF.

AC: :33 < karkitty…?

CG: JUST DO IT.

AG: :33 < alright

You climb the stairs to the roof, half expecting you’re going to get up there and all you’ll be met with is an empty expanse of space. You’ve already made plans to scream at the top of your lungs once you’re up there, to scratch at anything and everything with your claws, to try and let all of your pent up anger and sadness wash away. Instead, you’re met by Karkat, hands tucked in his pockets. “Karkitty?” You ask curiously, stepping onto the roof and closing the door behind you.

He surges forward when you’re not looking, and before you know it he’s _kissing_ you. This has to be a dream. You’re going to wake up in your cave, and this nightmare called SGrub will be over, and you’ll just be a sad girl who loves cats and has a crush on a shouty boy who won’t love her back. (but a badass one.)

You pull away from the kiss first, only because it’s awful. Even though you love Karkat, he isn’t a very good kisser. “Huh?”

“I’m flushed for you,” He blurts out. “I’m sorry.”

You’ve never heard him speak so softly. Even around Terezi, he still kept his tone at a shout. Sometimes he would tone it down a little, but you’ve never heard him speak quite as quietly as he is right now. “You...I hate you! Why are you pranking me?”

“No, no no no,” He rushes out. “It isn’t a prank, I swear.”

You finally fall.

You’re crushed beneath the weight of your feelings. You’ve carried it on your back for years, only faltered in your steps a few times, but it pushes you down now. It forces you to the ground, it forces you to cry olive green tears. It wants you to feel pain. It wants you to be sad.

Karkat pulls you into his arms, and even if your brain tells you not to, your heart tells you to curl against him. The fabric of his sweater is soft beneath your fingers, and you cry harder. Your feelings try to suffocate you, but you keep yourself grounded, you keep your fingers tangled in his sweater because your feelings are only _feelings_ , they are powerless against you. You are in control.

“I love you,” he says, and you realize your feelings are in control.

* * *

You love Signless.

* * *

You love Karkat.

* * *

Trolls with candy red blood would never be accepted, they had said. You never believed them, of course. You’d always stuck to firmly believing in the things Signless said, because he was yours and you were his. If you couldn’t trust him, was there anyone in this world you could truly trust?

When you think he’s about to make a breakthrough - when you’re _sure_ everyone is ready to believe how wrong the hemospectrum is - they find out his blood color. It was an accident, no one was ever meant to find out, no one could know. They send him to be executed and you go, you go and you watch him struggle against the cuffs. Dolorosa cries. Psii only stares.

“Wait!” You scream desperately. The E%ecutioner stops. “Wait.” You say weakly.

Maybe he takes pity on you.

He lowers his arrow and motions for you to walk. You mumble a thank you to him and pass through the crowd, a crowd of people who are yelling for your love to be murdered. And you hate them. You hate them all, every last one. Signless looks at you through his lashes, and your breath hitches. Pain glows bright in his eyes.

You run to him. You stand on your tiptoes and kiss him, and then you hug him and cry into his shoulder. Olive green mingles with red, red red red, his blood. It’s everywhere, it’s all over him, marking him. Telling everyone what color it is. Telling everyone that he is a mutant, that he is vile, that no one should respect him. He is nothing.

“Kill them both!” Someone screams after a moment.

“Both!” The crowd chants.

Dolorosa looks horrified, her mouth frozen in shock.

Psii’s eyes widen and his mouth drops open.

“If she loves the mutant so much, you might as well!”

Before you know it, they’re dragging you from him, and you try to reach for him but you can’t, you _can’t_ , all you get is the brush of his fingertips against yours. They don’t chain you up, but they tell you the E%ecutioner will kill you right away if you make any sudden moves.

You get a front row seat to watch them kill Signless. Signless, a preacher, a martyr, the man you love. You watch as the arrow hits his skin, and red blood spurts from the wound. It splashes onto you, and you cry harder. You wipe it from your arms, you try to get it _off_ , you don’t _want this_ , but you can’t.

Signless struggles until he falls limp.

You scream and run to him, you grab his face in your hands and whisper his name like a mantra ( _signless signless signless please wake up signless_ ) and you kiss him. You kiss him and his red tears stain your lips, and they’re washed away by your own. Your tears drip, drip, drip onto the ground and then olive green is pooling within the blood red and you _scream_ , you scream so loud the people nearest to you cringe.

“Kill her!” Someone screams.

“Kill her!” Everyone else roars.

The E%ecutioner readies his arrow, and you slump to the ground, into the pile of Signless’s blood and your tears. You have nothing left. You are ready to die, to see him somewhere else. You wait, you wait for the arrow to hit you but it does not. You look up to see the E%ecutioner standing still, arrow still in its crossbow.

“Go.” He mouths.

And you do. You go. You run, run _far_ away, and never look back. You live the rest of your days in a cave, and you scribble in books the words Signless used to say, the things he used to preach, the ones you’d stored away.

You will make sure everyone knows him.

You will make sure no one forgets.

* * *

 

“Karkat!” You scream.

You knew this was a bad idea. Knew it, knew it, knew it. And you told them, you told them all that the twelve of you would die, you would die and you’d never come back, that this battle was _impawsible_ to beat. But no one listened to you. No, of course not. You’re nothing more than the creepy cat girl, the one that lived in a cave and hunted for the food she ate, who had a shipping wall and was in love with Karkat Vantas.

Why did no one ever listen to you?

“Karkat,” You cry. His blood is candy red, you’d forgotten that, you’d forgotten ages ago that he had mutant blood. Why did it matter, anyway? Karkat was normal, he liked romcoms and he had friends and he was _normal_. “Karkat, Karkat, Karkat. Please.”

Kanaya and Vriska are the last two standing. Jade green tears poke at the corners of Kanaya’s eyes, but Vriska tells her to stop looking, stop, stop, stop. If they get distracted, they too will die. But it doesn’t matter, not really. They are going to die anyway, and so will you. “Hey, don’t cry.” You hear Karkat mutter weakly.

Yes, yes! He’s still alive, he’s going to be fine, he’s going to be okay.

(He won’t.)

Karkat reaches up and wipes your tears. Olive green mingles with candy red, with his blood pooling on the ground and the tears on his own cheeks that prove how much pain he’s in, so much pain that he was _crying_ about it, and you sob. “You’re going to be okay, Nep, don’t worry.”

“Karkat.” You sob desperately, leaning forward and catching his lips in yours, and when you pull back there’s candy red on them, candy red and olive green, _Karkat and Nepeta_ , Signless and Disciple-

Wait.

Who are those people?

“I’m right here,” Karkat murmurs gently. He reaches to touch your face, and you lean into his hand, and you cry and cry and cry because he’s dying, he’s _dying_ and you can’t do anything about it. “I’m right here, it’s okay, it’s okay because I love you.”

“I love you too, I love you too, I love you so _much_.” You weep.

He smiles.

You’ve never seen Karkat smile before. His teeth are sharp, sharp enough to break skin if he were to bite someone. You like them more than your own teeth, your stupid little fangs like a cat’s own. “Disciple.” He whispers, but that isn’t your name, why did he call you that? Why, why, why? Your name is Nepeta Leijon, your name is _Nepeta_ , you are not _Disciple_ and you never have been.

“Signless,” You bawl back, but that isn’t his name, his name is Karkat Vantas, his name is _Karkat_ , he is not _Signless_ and he never has been. “I love you. Do you love me?”

“I have for a long time now,” He says. This isn’t you, that isn’t him, who are you, why are you not Nepeta and Karkat? Why are you Signless and Disciple, who are _Signless and Disciple_ , they’re not Nepeta and Karkat. “Bye Nep.”

You snap out of it. You are thrown back to reality harshly, and it hurts, it hurts it hurts _it hurts_ , your heart is breaking bit by bit and your chest hurts, so bad, so so bad. You cry and sob and scream and cling to Karkat, and when your ear presses against his chest you hear nothing, you hear no echo of a heartbeat, you hear _silence_.

You look back and see Kanaya sprawled out on the ground in a pile of her own blood, and you choke, you choke on vomit because this is all so _grotesque_ , you used to hunt for your own food and spend time around dead animal carcasses but this is so much _worse_ , why is this so much worse?

Vriska is still fighting, she’s still trying, she’s still trying so hard. You always hated her, you hated that she was so mean to you, that she was so mean to Karkat, but you can’t hate her now, you can’t you can’t _you can’t_ , because she’s still fighting. She makes a swipe at Lord English and turns enough to see you, clutching Karkat’s dead body in your hands, fingers curling in his sweater. “Go!” She shouts.

You want to stay and help, you want to die too, you want to die you want to _die_ , you want to be with Karkat. “Go, Nepeta! You can’t beat him, I can’t beat him either, but if one of us should live it should be you!”

Vriska was so mean, so mean so mean _so mean_ , but she wants to save your life and you aren’t going to argue with her. You whisper a goodbye to Karkat and set his body down carefully, and as soon as you’re standing you’re running. You run until your lungs ache, until it feels like they will collapse and you will die, but that’s what you want that’s what you want _you want to die_ , why did you run?

You’re stuck here forever, forever forever forever _forever_ , there are no friends and there is no Karkat and there is no Equius. You find a cave to hide inside and you cry, you curl into a ball on the ground and you _cry_ until you’re drowning in olive green.

You find a stray rock covered in white powder and start to re-create your shipping wall.

**Author's Note:**

> Agh, you said sad with a happy ending, but I reversed that. Sorry! I was trying to create parallels between Signless/Disciple and Karkat/Nepeta, and I tried my best to stick to Signless's story, and obviously he dies a martyr.
> 
> So to keep the thing going, I had to kill Karkat too. Urh.
> 
> Hope you liked it!


End file.
